What if we could do a bit less?

It seems that there are endless things we can do these days to take care of our bodies, our minds, and our emotions. There are any number of tips, tricks, and hacks to soothe a dysregulated nervous system, to fall asleep, to help ourselves focus, or to navigate intense emotions. And most of them have a lot of merit.

Lately, I've started to wonder if many of these techniques are just ways to help increase presence. When a part of me is activated, or I'm having a strong emotion, impulse, or reaction, what's often wanted and needed is presence. It can be the presence of another, or it can be my own. This is what IFS does so brilliantly for my system - it gives me some tools to be able to bring presence to upset parts of myself and others in a caring, compassionate, and nonjudgmental way.

For example, I've been waking up for years in the middle of the night, usually sometime between 2 and 4am. I used to lie there, thoughts swirling, body tense, frozen in place but awake until my alarm went off or I couldn't take it anymore and got up to do something, anything, to relieve the tension. Doctors have tried giving me medication to help me sleep through the night. Therapists have recommended we start working on my sleep hygiene/routine by going to bed at the same time every night and making a ritual out of it, with a cup of calming tea, or a few light stretches, or a brief meditation. And while all of these things sounded like great ideas, I just couldn't bring myself to do them every single night, so they caused me more stress and made me feel even worse about myself. But this is because a part of me just didn't want to have to do another thing -- this part is busy all day taking care of things and doing tasks. By bedtime, it was just done.

The more I practice IFS with myself and others, the more I understand this part's exhaustion. I really get it. Now, when I wake up before the alarm goes off, I am much more likely to lie there just being with my system, giving it presence. If I can't find presence, rather than frantically try to do IFS on myself (as I've done in the past), I've found a yoga nidra practice and a short meditation that get me there almost every time. The tools change -- a year ago, it was a different meditation and a Spotify playlist that did the trick-- but the effect is the same. Now, I'm much more often able to be with the parts of me who wake me up in the middle of the night. And this happens spontaneously -- there's no effort involved. If the tools that are working right now stop working reliably, I know I'll find some other way. The tools aren't what's important, though, it's where they get me. Because that's what my parts want: me. Once I find that place of presence within myself, I could lay there for hours doing nothing, just being. And, when I wake up early enough, that's exactly what I do. Sometimes, I just lie there with my parts for 2 or 3 hours before getting up. Sometimes, I experience spontaneous healing or insights; other times, I just feel warmth and connection, softening and opening. Either way, I'm experiencing presence: my own Self or perhaps the larger Self that holds us all.The time spent is long, but the feel is completely different from those sleep-deprived early morning hours I've gotten so used to over the years. On the surface, it may look similar -- I'm still waking up in the middle of the night most nights, but now I feel more nourished, clear, and sustained. This carries over into my days, where I notice I'm a bit slower, things are going just a bit easier, and that I'm not rushing around quite as frantically as I used to. I'm reminded, often, that healing is not just about miraculous unburdenings or peak experiences, that it unfolds slowly, over time, in real, everyday life.